1
00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:05,234
Okay, Maya,
here's the key.

2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:07,801
   Now, I'll be back Sunday
   night, so you'll need to
   feed the turtle twice.

3
00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:10,033
   Now remember,
   place, don't drop,
   the food in the tank

4
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,334
or you'll spook Shelly.

5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,567
 I call him Shelly.

6
00:00:12,634 --> 00:00:14,367
The number to
the pet hospital
is on the fridge...

7
00:00:14,434 --> 00:00:15,667
   Maya, are you
   listening to me?

8
00:00:15,734 --> 00:00:17,701
 Yeah, yeah,
 feed Smelly.

9
00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:20,434
   What's going on?

10
00:00:20,501 --> 00:00:21,634
I'm pulling
a practical joke
on Finch.

11
00:00:21,701 --> 00:00:23,300
Oh, really?

12
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:25,267
   Hey, have any of you
   freaks seen my soda?

13
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:28,767
Did you check
the fridge?

14
00:00:28,834 --> 00:00:31,133
I already looked
in the stupid fridge.

15
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,100
In or on?

16
00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:40,701
You put my
soda on top of
the refrigerator?

17
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:45,534
 (LAUGHING)
 That was a classic.
 I wish I had a camera.

18
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,400
  That was the
  most pathetic thing
  I've ever seen.

19
00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:53,868
   Oh, I'm sorry.
   No hard feelings.

20
00:00:53,934 --> 00:00:55,667
  Here, have some
  peanut brittle.

21
00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:58,968
 I wonder what's
 gonna happen.

22
00:01:00,634 --> 00:01:01,734
   It's peanut brittle.

23
00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:04,100
I don't get it.

24
00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:06,467
 Check the
 expiration date.

25
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:30,167
 Elliott, your
 turtle bites.

26
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:31,701
Oh, yeah?
Well, you bite!

27
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,100
 No, I mean he bit me.

28
00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:37,734
  Oh, yeah,
  he does that.

29
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,067
 Good morning!

30
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,334
 "What's so
 good about it?"

31
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,467
 (LAUGHS DERISIVELY)

32
00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,767
 "Oh, Mondays, blah, blah."
 Enough chit-chat,
 back to work.

33
00:01:47,634 --> 00:01:48,868
   What's the matter,
   Finch?

34
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,601
 Still reeling from
 my soda prank?

35
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,367
  (CACKLING)

36
00:01:53,434 --> 00:01:54,934
   Are you serious?

37
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,801
  That joke was lame.

38
00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:59,000
 And for one
 very simple reason.
 You're a girl.

39
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:03,467
  What does that
  have to do
  with anything?

40
00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,200
  Maya, don't take
  this personally,

41
00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:07,834
but women are nurturers,
they're not jokers.

42
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:12,033
 Yeah, Helen Reddy's
 famous song was not
  I Am Funny.

43
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,734
  Okay! People, we got
  a lot of work today.

44
00:02:15,801 --> 00:02:17,334
  Deadline's
  been moved up,

45
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,901
 so here's what I need
 from each of you
 by the end of the day.

46
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:21,834
   Maya. Dennis.

47
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:22,934
  Okay, you
  got it, Jack.

48
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,300
 Any questions?

49
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:26,734
  Yeah, why can't you
  kiss hookers?

50
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:39,434
 Hey, Elliott,
 this came for you.

51
00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:42,367
 (GROANING) Oh, no,
 not this guy again.

52
00:02:42,434 --> 00:02:46,267
Why is it that
every idiot with a camera
thinks he's a photographer?

53
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,634
'Cause monkeys
can do it?

54
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,133
 Who sent you those?

55
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,467
   Dimitri, that weird
   security guard they fired.

56
00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,167
He used to
bring me oranges.

57
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,567
   A landscape?

58
00:02:57,634 --> 00:02:59,634
   That has an
   Ansel Adams quality.

59
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:03,434
   (SIGHING) That's because
   it's a picture of an
   Ansel Adams picture.

60
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:06,067
   That's what he does,
   he takes pictures
   of pictures.

61
00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,767
 Well, maybe he's
 making a statement.

62
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:11,334
   Yeah! "I'm out
   of medication"!

63
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:24,934
   (GROANING)
   What a morning.

64
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,968
  My friend Binnie's
  in the hospital.

65
00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:28,601
   Seems she got vertigo
   at the Guggenheim,

66
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,234
 toppled over a railing
 and fell into a
 cappuccino cart.

67
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:33,667
   The crowd thought
   it was performance art
   and burst into applause.

68
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,701
  She stumbled out of there
  with a broken rib and
  a grant from the NEA.

69
00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:41,200
 Nina, have a seat.

70
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:44,701
 I got a couple of questions
 about plastic surgery.

71
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,634
   Oh! Thank God. Well,
   good for you, Jack.

72
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:50,534
You know, a lot of us
have been asking when
you'd take the plunge.

73
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:55,834
   Let me guess. A facelift?
   No, no, no, the ears, right?

74
00:03:55,901 --> 00:03:58,167
   You know, it's about time
   you clipped those mud flaps.

75
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:06,734
 Nina, I'm not getting
 any plastic surgery.

76
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,234
   (NERVOUSLY)
   How's that?

77
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:11,767
 I'm editing an article
 on plastic surgery

78
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,834
 and I wanted to
 double-check some facts.

79
00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:15,267
 What's wrong with my ears?

80
00:04:15,334 --> 00:04:17,267
Oh, nothing, why?

81
00:04:17,334 --> 00:04:20,234
 Well, you just suggested
 that I clip my mud flaps.

82
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,467
 That's just an expression,
 like, "Good day, matey.
 Clip those mud flaps

83
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,567
 "and I'll see you
 on the flip-flop."

84
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:32,567
   What's with you?

85
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:34,167
 I poked the bear.

86
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:43,467
 Hey, Elliott,
 you got a fax
 from creepy Dimitri.

87
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,801
   (GROANS) What is it
   with this guy?

88
00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:48,567
Jeez.

89
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:52,901
   "Dear Elliott, haven't
   heard from you but I got
   your psychic message.

90
00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:56,501
   "I, too, hear the voice
   of Mother's disapproval.

91
00:04:56,567 --> 00:05:01,000
   "Let's meet. I want to
   literally pick the brain
   of a live photographer."

92
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:03,601
   "Literally."

93
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:05,033
 Oh, my God!

94
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,868
 You don't think
 this guy would get
 violent, do you?

95
00:05:06,934 --> 00:05:09,667
  A recently fired
  security guard with
  nothing left to lose?

96
00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:10,734
   No!

97
00:05:15,534 --> 00:05:16,601
  (WHISTLES)

98
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:19,834
 What are you
 smiling about?

99
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:22,634
I sent the fax.

100
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,133
 Really?

101
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,801
  Mmm-hmm. Yep.
  What do you think
  of me now?

102
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:29,033
 Same as before.
 Body ten, personality four.

103
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:32,567
Four?

104
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:34,567
 Now you're a three.

105
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,033
 (MOCKINGLY) Ooh! Eight!

106
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:46,400
  Elliott DiMauro?

107
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:47,834
 Yeah?

108
00:05:47,901 --> 00:05:52,734
 A snappy message
 from your number one
 fan, Dimitri.

109
00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:56,133
 * Why the hell
 won't you call me?
 Do-dah, do-dah

110
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,801
   * I don't handle
   anger well
   Oh, the do-dah day

111
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:03,200
 * Only you can stop
 the voices in my head

112
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:06,300
 * Are you free
 for dinner next week?
 I can make fondue

113
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,534
 Okay,
 that's enough.

114
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,634
 No wait. I don't get
 paid unless I've finished.

115
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:13,400
   * I shaved my head
   to look like you
   Do-dah, do-dah

116
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:17,000
   * I made you a foil hat
   Oh, the do-dah day *

117
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:22,167
 What do you think?

118
00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:24,133
 You sent the telegram?

119
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,067
   That's cute.
  Cute?

120
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,934
That was pure evil.

121
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,801
 All right, I'll admit it.
 You got him against the ropes.

122
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:33,167
   But this question is key.

123
00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,934
   Can you hit him
   where he lives?
   Really drive it home?

124
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:38,767
Watch me.
Wash you?

125
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:39,834
  (GROANS)

126
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,601
   Nina.
  Oh. Yes,
  handsome?

127
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:50,534
  I was thinking
  about what you said,

128
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:52,567
you know, about
plastic surgery.

129
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:55,234
 Oh, oh, forget
 what I said, foxy,
 I was wrong.

130
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:58,400
   Plastic surgery is
   for the weak, the phony,
   the superficial.

131
00:06:58,467 --> 00:07:00,267
 I decided to get some.

132
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,767
   Is this fun for you?

133
00:07:03,868 --> 00:07:06,634
 I just had lunch with Allie,
 and you know what happened?

134
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:10,567
   The waiter thought
   that I was her father.
   Can you imagine that?

135
00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:13,501
 Well, that's a compliment.
 Aren't you older
 than her father?

136
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:19,567
 That's not the point.
 I don't feel old,

137
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:22,701
 but I took a long look
 in the mirror,

138
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,200
 and, I don't know,
 maybe I could use
 some sprucing up.

139
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:29,300
  Huh! Well, if there's
  anything I can do,
  don't hesitate.

140
00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:32,734
 Actually,
 I could use the name
 of a good surgeon.

141
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:35,801
 Well, while I've never
 had any work done, uh,

142
00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:39,267
   I have heard
   some good things
   about a Dr. Hendrie.

143
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,467
 You don't have
 his number, do you?

144
00:07:40,534 --> 00:07:41,667
 It's on
 my speed dial.

145
00:07:45,701 --> 00:07:47,634
   You guys are not
   gonna believe this.

146
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,534
 Guess what crazy Dimitri
 sent me this time.

147
00:07:50,601 --> 00:07:53,934
 Oh, look how cute!
 A picture of a turtle.
 You like turtles.

148
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,133
That's not just any turtle.
That's my turtle.

149
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,100
   The psycho broke
   into my apartment.

150
00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,901
   (GASPS)

151
00:07:59,968 --> 00:08:02,133
That's terrible.
What are you
going to do?

152
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,634
  Oh, come on, what more
  can I do? I called the cops
  and they arrested the maniac.

153
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:07,767
  (LAUGHING)

154
00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:08,834
 What?

155
00:08:08,901 --> 00:08:10,267
 (CHUCKLING) Wow!

156
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,334
That wasn't
supposed to happen.

157
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,133
  What's that
  supposed to mean?

158
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,300
It means,

159
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,367
 * Maya's gonna burn in hell
 Do-dah, do-dah

160
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:24,267
 * Psycho's in a prison cell
 Oh, the do-dah day *

161
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,667
   It was just supposed
   to be a joke.

162
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:36,534
  (SNORTING)
  "A joke."

163
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:39,267
   I sent an
   innocent man to jail.
   How is that a joke?

164
00:08:39,334 --> 00:08:42,534
 Well, nothing's funny if
 you analyze it to death!

165
00:08:43,601 --> 00:08:44,667
You've got
to be kidding.

166
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:45,868
  What?

167
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:48,567
Well, can't you
stop them?

168
00:08:48,634 --> 00:08:50,133
   All right, we'll go
   right down there.

169
00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:52,534
  They're holding him.

170
00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:53,968
   Why? He's not
   a stalker.

171
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,267
  No, but he's
  an illegal alien.

172
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:59,067
 They sent his case to the INS.
 They're gonna deport him.

173
00:09:00,534 --> 00:09:02,367
 I have to admit,
 that is kind of funny.

174
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,400
 So you're thinking
 about having some
 work done, huh?

175
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,067
 Yeah.
 Nothing major.

176
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:18,367
 Well, let me assure you,
 I can work miracles
 with that chin.

177
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:22,534
What's wrong
with my chin?
I like my chin.

178
00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:25,467
 (STAMMERING) Oh, I'm
 sorry. I just assumed...

179
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,868
 Anyway...

180
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,801
  Maybe you should
  tell me what you
  were thinking of.

181
00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:32,634
  An eye job.

182
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:34,567
Okay, sure.

183
00:09:34,634 --> 00:09:37,167
   I think with an eye job,
   I can have you looking
   65 again.

184
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:40,834
I'm 61.

185
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:43,968
 I cannot
 apologize enough.

186
00:09:46,334 --> 00:09:48,834
Wow, I didn't think
I looked that old.

187
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:50,701
 Look, Jack, we could...

188
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:53,968
 We could take this slowly,
 a nip here and a tuck there,

189
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:55,767
  but before we do,

190
00:09:55,834 --> 00:09:58,601
 why don't we think
 about the lessons
 we learned in Vietnam?

191
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,434
   Excuse me?

192
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:05,467
 We tried a bunch
 of piecemeal measures.
 What did we get?

193
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:07,200
 A lot of pain
 and suffering.

194
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:10,634
 We still lost a war
 we could've won by one
 massive act of aggression.

195
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:13,267
LBJ!

196
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,567
 My advice to you is
 to go all the way with this.
 Total commitment.

197
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:23,467
 (HESITANTLY)
 I don't know. I...
Jack,

198
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:28,834
 let me outline for you
 just how cosmetic surgery
 can improve your life.

199
00:10:28,901 --> 00:10:32,234
 How'd you like
 to be surrounded by
 beautiful young women?

200
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,167
  I am, every day.
  Supermodels.

201
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:37,667
 Well, sure, it's nice to
 be surrounded by beauty,

202
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:41,033
 but how'd you like to
 have one on your arm?

203
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,834
   Well, I'm married
   to a beautiful woman
   half my age.

204
00:10:44,701 --> 00:10:46,033
   Aha!

205
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:53,534
 How'd you like your boss
 to stop treating you
 like an old fuddy-duddy?

206
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:56,667
  I am the boss.
  I own the whole
  damn company.

207
00:10:56,734 --> 00:10:59,033
 But do you have a boat?

208
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:07,200
I don't know
what the hell
I'm doing here.

209
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,534
  I don't need you.

210
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,534
 I really think
 you should reconsider.

211
00:11:10,601 --> 00:11:12,767
   Why? My life is perfect.

212
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,000
I can only hope someday
when you're my age...

213
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:16,701
  I'm 72.

214
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:30,567
 Sir, we don't play
 favorites at Immigration.

215
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:33,801
 Well, that's because
 "those damn Canadians,"
 as you call them,

216
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:35,467
 don't blow stuff up.

217
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:41,801
  (SPEAKING SPANISH)

218
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,367
 I'm sorry, I don't
 speak Spanish.

219
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:51,267
 (INHALES) Hello, ma'am.
 I'm Mr. Weiland.
 How may I help you?

220
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,567
  We're here
  on behalf of someone
  you have in custody.

221
00:11:53,634 --> 00:11:54,667
  Name?

222
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:56,434
  Dimitri
  Shastapitabrostavich.

223
00:11:56,501 --> 00:11:58,300
   Three S's?
  At least.

224
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,033
 Yeah, we got him.

225
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,734
   See, there's been
   a huge mistake.
   The guy is innocent.

226
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:05,801
 See, my friend here
 pulled this horrible
 practical joke...

227
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,300
   Look, could you
   just let him go?

228
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,501
 (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
 I have that kind of power.

229
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:12,234
 That's why I sit in
 this little tiny office.
 No air, no view,

230
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:13,601
 (SNARKILY) but I control
 the borders!

231
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,801
 Isn't there
 something
 we can do?

232
00:12:19,868 --> 00:12:22,100
 You could submit a
 petition for his release.

233
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:23,834
 Great!
  (MOCKINGLY) Super!

234
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:26,434
Your full name?

235
00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:27,801
Maya Gallo.

236
00:12:27,868 --> 00:12:29,868
 (TYPING)
 "Maya Gallo." And
 your primary res...

237
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:31,234
  (CHUCKLING)
  Oh, boy.

238
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,100
 What?

239
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:37,067
 Are you Maya Gallo,
 the money launderer who's
 here illegally from Colombia?

240
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:38,501
   No!

241
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:41,267
 That sounded a little
 too rehearsed.

242
00:12:41,334 --> 00:12:42,868
 May I see some
 identification?

243
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:45,534
 Sure!

244
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:49,801
   Oh, this is great.
   I must have left
   my wallet at the office.

245
00:12:49,868 --> 00:12:52,534
 Office or  oficina?

246
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,400
 Pete!

247
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,868
  Oh, come on, she works
  two blocks from here.

248
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:00,133
I'll be right back.
I promise.

249
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,734
 Look, missy, a promise
 may hold water in Bogota,

250
00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:05,701
 but the last time I checked,
 this is America,

251
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,868
   where "football"
   means football!

252
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,434
  Ankle clamp.

253
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:12,567
  What are you
  doing?

254
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:14,067
 It's just a small
 tracking device.

255
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:16,367
   A tracking device?
   Oh, for God's sakes.

256
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:19,868
You see? This is
a perfect example of
bureaucracy run amuck.

257
00:13:19,934 --> 00:13:21,367
 And your name is?

258
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,234
Bob Johnson.
Nice to meet you.

259
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,400
  You wanted to
  see me, Jack?

260
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:31,634
 Yeah, yeah.
 Come on in.

261
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:35,968
 Well, I've been doing
 a lot of thinking
 about that surgery.

262
00:13:36,033 --> 00:13:37,334
 And?

263
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,634
Let me tell you
a story.

264
00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:43,400
 When I was a kid,
 I played a little baseball.

265
00:13:43,467 --> 00:13:47,601
 One year,
 we finally make it
 to the playoffs

266
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:51,634
 so I decide to replace
 my beat-up old mitt.

267
00:13:51,701 --> 00:13:55,467
 I go out and buy
 the best one I can find.
 Man, it was beautiful.

268
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:58,267
 I couldn't wait for the game.

269
00:13:58,334 --> 00:14:00,968
  Big day comes,
  sixth inning,

270
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:04,801
guy hits
a hard line drive
to me at short,

271
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:08,467
 and boom, right off
 the side of my glove.

272
00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:11,334
 Two runs score,
 we lose the game.

273
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:14,634
   So, you see?

274
00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:17,167
No.

275
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:21,934
 Play with the glove
 that got you there!

276
00:14:23,033 --> 00:14:24,167
 Know what I mean?

277
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:25,934
No.

278
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,534
My face is
like my old mitt.

279
00:14:31,601 --> 00:14:34,400
   I know, isn't that why
   you went to Dr. Hendrie?

280
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:40,834
   I'm not having
   any surgery, Nina.

281
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:43,033
   Oh! Well, that's
   okay, Jack.

282
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,067
   You're rich, people
   will still like you.

283
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,501
  Nina.
  Yeah?

284
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:55,367
 Listen, I don't know
 what this Dr. Hendrie
 says to you, but, uh,

285
00:14:55,434 --> 00:14:58,200
 I'd like you to
 know something.

286
00:14:58,267 --> 00:15:02,100
 Sometimes, we're at a
 meeting or somewhere,
 and I look at you,

287
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,701
 and you know
 what I see?

288
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:08,934
 (SOFTLY) One of
 the most beautiful women
 I have ever known.

289
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:11,634
  Jack.

290
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:13,434
 I just thought
 you should know that.

291
00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:15,968
Stop it.
You're going
to make me cry.

292
00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:17,601
 That's okay, Nina,
 let it out.

293
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,234
  (STIFLING TEARS) No,
  you don't understand.

294
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:22,200
   After my last chemical peel,
   it just burns like fire.

295
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:35,868
 What were
 you thinking?

296
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,634
   I said
   I was sorry.

297
00:15:37,701 --> 00:15:38,767
 (SNORTS)

298
00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:40,567
Maya Gallo?

299
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:42,567
Yes?
   Rob!

300
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:45,100
 Rob Mandel.
 From Stanford.

301
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:47,167
   Oh, hi, Rob.

302
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:48,434
   You don't
   remember me.

303
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,100
  Oh! Of course!

304
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,100
 Rob!
   (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

305
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,434
 God, you look...
 You look great.

306
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:57,667
  Thank you. So do you.

307
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:01,467
  Listen, I didn't have
  the guts to ask this
  back then, but, um,

308
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,234
  I don't know,
  would you like to grab...

309
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,100
(ALARM BEEPING)
  Uh-oh.

310
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,734
  What the hell
  is that?

311
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,067
 Um, I don't know.
 Maybe it's the elevator.

312
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:13,934
   No, no,
   it's coming
   from your ankle.

313
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,200
  Um, anyway,
  you were saying?

314
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:17,601
  Are you some sort
  of criminal?

315
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:18,701
 No!

316
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:19,934
I don't want
any trouble.

317
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,367
(LOUD BEEPING CONTINUES)

318
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:25,334
 MAYA: What's the matter,
 sweet cheeks? You
 never lost your wallet?

319
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:28,601
  (BEEPING STOPS)

320
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,734
  Oh, sure.
  Now it stops.

321
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:33,234
  You know,
  I just don't get
  this whole thing.

322
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,367
  You never pull
  practical jokes.

323
00:16:35,434 --> 00:16:38,133
 I know I don't.
 But when Finch said
 that women couldn't...

324
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,501
 Finch!

325
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:41,000
 I should have known
 he was behind this.

326
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:43,167
 No, really, it was me.
 No, no, no.
 Don't cover for him.

327
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:45,200
 He really crossed
 the line this time.

328
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,300
  Finch!

329
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,033
What's your
problem, Telly?

330
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,167
 You're my problem.
Oh!

331
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:53,300
  Elliott!

332
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:55,367
  ELLIOTT: Somebody
  had to do it.

333
00:16:55,434 --> 00:16:56,834
 Finch, are
 you okay?

334
00:16:56,901 --> 00:16:58,567
Yeah. Something
cold, please.

335
00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:02,033
  I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
  I am so sorry!

336
00:17:04,701 --> 00:17:07,133
   Who never fills
   the ice trays?

337
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:13,501
   Okay, here,
   tilt your head back.
   Here you go.

338
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:17,133
 (GROANING)
  Oh, my God.
  What have I done?

339
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,667
 Oh, I don't know,
 everything I wanted you to?

340
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,534
 (CHUCKLING
 CONDESCENDINGLY)
   Huh?

341
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:22,934
Elliott!

342
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,601
 How was I?

343
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:28,334
 Two thumbs up.
 I laughed, I cried.

344
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,734
  (CHUCKLES
  SELF-CONTENTEDLY)

345
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,000
  What?

346
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,534
But Elliott was...

347
00:17:32,601 --> 00:17:34,100
  And you were...

348
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,434
 What?

349
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:37,701
 Welcome to a real
 practical joke, Maya.

350
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:42,434
 Layer upon layer.
 Twist upon twist.
 Props. Blood capsules.

351
00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:45,000
 (CHUCKLING) Oh, it's
 quite a sordid production.

352
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,300
 But how?

353
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:50,767
 Well, you did most
 of the work, really.

354
00:17:50,834 --> 00:17:54,634
 All I had to do
 was tell you that women
 couldn't pull practical jokes.

355
00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:59,067
 Since I already knew
 that you thought Dimitri
 the security guard was creepy,

356
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,667
  I had Elliott,
  my accomplice,

357
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:03,234
 pretend that Dimitri
 was harassing him

358
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,901
 with crazy photos
 and letters.

359
00:18:04,968 --> 00:18:06,200
 (CHUCKLES SNIDELY)

360
00:18:06,267 --> 00:18:08,934
 And you fell
 for the bait.

361
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:13,033
 But how did you
 know that I'd order
 a singing telegram

362
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,200
 and break into
 Elliott's apartment?
 Those were my ideas!

363
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:17,400
   Were they, Maya?

364
00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:24,801
  After very cleverly
  getting you to think
  of the singing telegram,

365
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:30,067
    I used some sleight of hand
    to remind you that you
    still had Elliott's key.

366
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,167
  Then I used the
  power of suggestion.

367
00:18:32,234 --> 00:18:33,501
 But this question is

368
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:34,701
    (ECHOING) key.

369
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:35,767
 Can you hit him
 where he

370
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,000
    (ECHOING) lives?

371
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,167
    Really drive it

372
00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:39,634
    (ECHOING) home?

373
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,167
 Key.

374
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,667
  Where he lives.

375
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:45,667
  Home.

376
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:47,801
(WHISPERING) Yes.

377
00:18:50,033 --> 00:18:55,033
 Now are you curious
 about Mr. Weiland,
 the INS agent?

378
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,367
   No.

379
00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:58,067
   Kind of.

380
00:18:58,133 --> 00:19:02,334
 Well, while you were
 at Elliott's apartment
 taking pictures of his turtle,

381
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,167
  I called in a favor
  from my cousin,
  the insurance agent.

382
00:19:05,234 --> 00:19:07,067
 Then, after
 you got back

383
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:09,667
 but before you
 went to "INS,"

384
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:11,667
 I snagged all
 your identification
 out of your purse.

385
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,300
(GASPS)

386
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:15,467
By the way,
I owe you 20 bucks.

387
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:18,667
 So then you ran off
 to save Dimitri,

388
00:19:18,734 --> 00:19:21,400
 Jack and Nina were gone,
 so I took the liberty
 of entertaining

389
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:24,601
 some young,
 lovely lingerie models
 that were waiting for Elliott.

390
00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:26,601
 ELLIOTT: Wait.

391
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,367
   Why are you
   telling us that?

392
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,267
 Dude, I'm telling
 everybody that part.

393
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,167
  Okay, wait.
  What's this?

394
00:19:35,234 --> 00:19:38,200
 Uh, I don't know. I stole it
 off some kid's bike.

395
00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,868
 Oh, and about your hunky
 former classmate?

396
00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:42,234
  Yeah?

397
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,000
  An actor
  from my building.

398
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,734
 So he wasn't going
 to ask me out?

399
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:47,801
(ELLIOTT CHUCKLING)
Oh, poor Maya.

400
00:19:47,868 --> 00:19:49,701
 A man that good-looking
 isn't straight.

401
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:50,767
  Martin!

402
00:19:55,234 --> 00:19:57,501
 Good stuff.
 That'll be all.

403
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,667
 Let's see,
 is there anything
 I'm forgetting?

404
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,067
  Yeah, the most
  important thing.

405
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:05,300
 Why?

406
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:09,167
   (RASPILY) Because
   you hid my soda.

407
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:13,400
All of this
because of a soda?

408
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,067
  Damn straight.

409
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:16,868
That's why they
call me the king.

410
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,567
Okay, everybody.
Let's see what you got.

411
00:20:20,634 --> 00:20:22,901
 Oh, Dad. Um...

412
00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:26,701
   Captions are
   on page two.

413
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,734
   Perfect.
 Here, I reconfigured
 the layout.

414
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:32,634
  Great. Dennis?

415
00:20:32,701 --> 00:20:34,701
 Where are
 the reports?

416
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,000
 Uh, I haven't actually
 quite finished them yet.

417
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:38,501
  Well, give me
  what you got.

418
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:40,467
 I haven't actually
 quite started them yet.

419
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,701
For God's sake,
what were you
doing all day?

420
00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:46,267
 I don't know, stuff.

421
00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:48,133
Well, I'll need them
first thing in the morning,

422
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,934
so don't go
until they're done.

423
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:53,200
Maya? Elliott?
Grab a drink?

424
00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:54,934
 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
 Certainly.

425
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,167
   Whatever.
   Go ahead and go!

426
00:20:57,234 --> 00:20:59,267
   Have your fun,
   but I still got you!

427
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:00,667
I'm still the king!

428
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:05,534
  Where's my soda?

429
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:17,834
 * Life keeps bringing me
 back to you

430
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:21,467
 * Keeps bringing me home

431
00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:24,701
    * It don't matter
    what I wanna do

432
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:31,234
   * 'Cause it's got
   a mind of its own

433
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:35,067
 * Life keeps bringing me
 back to you *